halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he had hair everywhere except his balls
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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