Tell her she can't have a vagina
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
