How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
