no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
