I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
