So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
