i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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