Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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