I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
