So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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