Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
