I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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