You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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