i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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