i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
