My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
