If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
