I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
