I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
