she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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