So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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