I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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