My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
