she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
