I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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