the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
