theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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