I will die if light touches me.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i came on her dog
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
