I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
