I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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