im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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