I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
