she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
