I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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