having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
