I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
