MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
do herpes really smell.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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