No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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