Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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