so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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