someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
