Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
