Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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