Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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