I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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