Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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