I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
