My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Randomize
