I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
