sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Randomize
