toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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