sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
