He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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