I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fuck appropriateness.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He passed out mid-signature
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
