I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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