Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
