I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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