I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
